


Collision

by greenhouse793



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Star Wars - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Britishisms, Casual Murder, Cawwing Lessons, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Eye Twitching, F/M, Gen, Genderfluid!Legolas, Global Destruction, It's Just A Lot Of Crack OK, Jedi!Neville, Jedi!Trevor, M/M, Plant!Voldemort, Temporary Castration, Terminator!Harry, Tooth Pockets, Yoda Cameos, bad philosophy, magic rings, wand jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 00:55:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12947817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenhouse793/pseuds/greenhouse793
Summary: Frodo has Lost His Ring.I have no excuse.Seriously, don't read this. You will have all the regrets.





	Collision

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2010, AP US History.
> 
> See End Notes for Warnings

"Oh, blast! Where has that bloody scrap of metal gotten to?" Frodo exclaimed as he threw pants and pillows into the air in his fervent search. There was a sudden knock on the door, and Frodo glared around the room in despair. His house was in pieces, and he was in no mood to entertain. Frodo was about to sulk off to his bedroom when he heard the knock again.

"Frodo?" A familiar voice called from beyond the door. A girl's voice. Frodo's face flushed and his heart leapt excitedly. He cast a nervous glance towards his roommate's closed door instinctively, although he knew his friend wasn't home. Ron would have a meltdown if he knew that Frodo was seeing his girlfriend, Hermione Granger.

In a panic completely different than his previous fret over his lost heirloom, Frodo dashed to Ron's bathroom to steal a quick puff of cologne. Before Hermione could knock again, Frodo pulled open the door, feeling flushed and breathless.

Hermione's eyes grew round and her mouth formed an "o" as she surveyed Frodo's apartment.

"Looking for something?" she eyed the mess in faint alarm.

"I… er… no, 'course not… I mean… uh… yeah… maybe…" Frodo stammered. When Hermione raised an eyebrow he blurted, "Okay, yes. I misplaced that stupid family heirloom, but it's not important, I mean, it's not like it could destroy the world or anything, right?" he tugged nervously at his sleeve as Hermione's eyebrow crept higher.

"You lost Bilbo's ring?" One of her eyes twitched in disapproval.

"Er… yeah," Frodo's eye twitched in discomfort. "But it doesn't matter; let's just frick the frack. Do the do."

Hermione continued to frown at him for a moment before her face split into a grin. "Okay," she shrugged.

* * *

 

Gimli held a pink gown up admiringly to his lover. "What do you think?" he asked.

Legolas scrunched his nose doubtfully. "I don't know… It's not my color." He pawed through the dress racks eagerly. "How about this one?" he held up a gorgeous backless and strapless sparkly blue princess dress.

Gimli eyed Legolas' flat chest consideringly. "I don't think you’ve quite got what it takes," he frowned.

Legolas' face fell as he returned the dress to the racks. "I didn't like it anyways," he said sadly. His eye twitched in sorrow.

* * *

 

"Master… We has it, Master!" Gollum exclaimed, leaping up and down.

"Silence! Give it to me," a high, cold voice ordered. Gollum hopped forwards, placing the cool, gold band into Voldemort's hand.

"Alas… the power to bend the Order to my will is miiiiiiine!" Voldemort exclaimed in delight. He slipped on the ring and abruptly transformed into a luscious shrubbery.

"You fool!" Voldemort snarled. "You brought me the wrong magic ring!"

"We knows, Precious, doesn't we?" Gollum cooed, displaying a second ring to the shrub with a flourish. "This be the precious, and we is the Master now! Oh, yes, Precious, we is." With a cackle, Gollum twitched his eye, placed the ring in a safe spot behind his teeth, and sprang off.

* * *

 

Gimli handed Legolas a bottle green dress. "How about this one?"

Legolas excitedly ran to the dressing room to try it on. He emerged a few minutes later, spinning and laughing as it swirled around him. Legolas' eye twitched in glee.

Passing the happy couple on his way to the men's department, Will Turner paused to watch them, his face frozen in an expression of appalled amusement.

Legolas, misinterpreting his fascination for interest, tipped him a wink. Will tasted bile in his mouth and hurried on his way. Legolas stared after him dreamily and was slapped upside the head by Gimli.

"I feel as if I've known him my whole life," Legolas slurred. He turned to see Gimli glaring at him grumpily and quickly looked at his feet, feeling bashful.

* * *

 

Frodo lay staring blissfully at the ceiling of his apartment. Suddenly, the sated silence was broken by a harsh rap on the door.

"Fro? Let me in! I forgot my key!" Ron bellowed. Frodo and Hermione bolted upright. Hastily throwing on her clothes, Hermione climbed out the window, down the fire escape, and disappeared. Frodo hurried to let Ron in.

"About time. Do you know how long I was standing out there? I nearly… What the hell have you been doing?" Ron's eyes trailed over the messy apartment and Frodo's naked body.

"Shagging your girlfr… I mean… er… what?" Frodo plastered a look of innocent interest upon his face.

"Wha… Never mind. I've decided that I don't want to know," Ron said firmly. He shook his head as he stepped into the apartment.

"Have you seen my ring? I can't find it anywhere…"

* * *

 

"No no no. Push the sound up from your stomach, like so." Edward Cullen opened his mouth, inhaled deeply, and sent a resonant caw through the room. "Now you try!"

Captain Jack Sparrow drew himself up proudly, clasped his hands over his chest, and announced, "CAAAWWWW!" he beamed at Edward.

The vampire bared his teeth in a feral snarl. "That was  _ghastly_!" he snapped, his eye twitching in rage.

"Hey, now. Hey, now. Whoa, there. Nice kitty!" Jack backed away cautiously. "I'll just try again, shall I mate?"

"Do or do not. There is no try," Yoda announced sagely from the corner before turning his attention back to the telly.

"Er… right…" Jack's eye twitched nervously as Edward crept forward, hunched in a predatory crouch. He hissed menacingly. "Mate, I've been having a thought," Jack grinned tightly. "What if we just –"

"Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Miiiine! The Preciouses be ! Er… ours! They be ours!" Jack was cut off as Gollum danced blissfully through the window.

When Edward returned his attention back to the pirate, Jack was already out the window and running.

"Cap'n Jack Sparrow, mate!" Jack yelled back over his shoulder.

* * *

 

" _73 bottles of beer on the wall, 73 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 72 bottles of beer on the wall!"_

Voldemort sighed sadly. "Life is rather depressing as a houseplant. I do look rather pretty, though…  _take one down, pass it around, 70 bottles of beer on the wall!_... What I wouldn't do for a beer right now…"

The shrub's leaves twitched in sorrow.

* * *

 

Enraged screams and bullets flew through the air. "You're not my mother!" Harry Potter hollered as he emptied his machine gun into the Dursleys. He reloaded his gun, shoved a pair of pistols into his belt, and tore off his shirt. He carefully painted his face and chest with war paint before strapping on combat boots and donning his darkest pair of sunglasses. Harry kicked the door open and began to run.

"Hey, kid, are you alright?" a kind voice asked.

" _You're not my mother!_ " Harry screamed before shooting Bella Swan full of bullets. "AAHHHH!" Holding his machine gun above his head, Harry raced to the train station.

* * *

 

"It talks to us, the precious does, and we will listen, precious, yes, precious we will. Because we loves the precious, yes we does. And the Precious loveses us," Gollum cooed to Frodo's ring high up in his secret lair. "The precious has a quest for us, it does, and we will does it, my precious, yes."

Gollum placed the ring back in the safe spot behind his teeth and crept out of his cave.

* * *

 

"Excuse me, sir? You can't bring those on here," the anxious security guard gestured to Harry's guns.

"You're not my mother!" Harry shouted, pumping the security guard and several civilians full of bullets. Harry sat down in the train, a pleased smile upon his face.

"Ticket please?" the stewardess asked kindly. Harry shot her and settled down for a well earned nap.

* * *

 

Strobe lights glinted off of the disco ball as Legolas and Gimli grinded through the  _Nazgûl_ , the most popular gay club in Middle Earth. After a wild night and several shots of slippery nipples each, they stumbled home, leaning heavily upon each other.

"YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!" Harry bawled as he raced through the streets, leaving Legolas' and Gimli's mangled corpses behind him.

"EEEIIIIYYYYEEEEE!" Jack screeched, running down the same street. "CAAAWWW, damnit! CAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!"

Harry turned and began to shoot. Within seconds, Edward's corpse joined those of Legolas and Gimli as Harry looked for his other victim.

"Thanks for that, matey," Jack called from the rooftops. "Don't suppose you've got any rum?" He ducked behind a chimney as Harry opened fire, before slipping down the opposite side of the roof and disappearing.

* * *

 

"I can't find my blasted ring anywhere!" Frodo sobbed as he flipped over the couch in desperation. He raced into the streets with a frustrated cry.

"Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Miiiiiine!  _GOLLUM!_  Ours! We meant ours, we did!" Gollum pranced past Frodo's flat in delight, his eye twitching in jubilation.

"Where the bloody hell is my ring?" Frodo sighed, scratching his head. His eye twitched distractedly as he watched Gollum dance through the street. "I can't find it  _anywhere_!"

* * *

 

" _I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle… here is my spout._ "

A faint wind blew through Voldemort's lair, knocking the ring off of Voldemort's leaf and throwing it high into the air.

"I'M FREE! I'M FREE!" Voldemort sang, dancing about with his arms held high in celebration. "I'M – oh faak."

His petals twitched in depression as the ring fell onto his finger and he found himself to be a vibrant sunflower. "FAAAKK!"

* * *

 

Light flashed through the air. "Well done, my young Padawan," Anakin nodded in approval at his apprentice.

"I've never been this good at anything before – not even Herbology!" Neville cooed excitedly.

"You have learned well, young Padawan. Now go and accomplish your mission."

Neville sheathed his lightsabre and leapt into the cockpit of his jet. Firing up his engine, Neville glanced behind him. "She all clear, Trevor?"

"Riiibit!" Trevor croaked his assent.

Neville lowered his visor and the jet shot off. "My first solo mission!" He exclaimed. His eye twitched in anticipation.

* * *

 

Harry calmly walked into the club and began to wash his hands at the beer tap.

"Rough night?" the bartender smiled sympathetically. Harry's eyes flashed.

"You're not my mother," he whispered. The bartender moved his head closer.

"Pardon?"

"YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHERRR!" Harry's head snapped up forcefully. In the same fluid movement, he seized his two pistols and emptied them into the barman.

The music faltered as the dancing couples all looked towards Harry in shock. Their eyes took in Harry's maniacal expression, bloodstained hands and pistols, then the dead bartender slumped over the beer taps.

"Free beer!" someone called from the back of the room. Everyone cheered.

* * *

 

Gandalf examined the wand with interest. "This channels your magic?" he raised an eyebrow doubtfully. "But it is so  _small_!"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled and twitched in amusement. "It does," he said, before returning to his examination of Gandalf's staff. "But this is so  _big_! Seems it would be terribly inconvenient," he frowned.

"I propose a test to see which of our magic tools is the more powerful!" Gandalf proclaimed.

The two wizards faced each other. They began to duel.

* * *

 

" _Lollipop, lollipop, o lolli lolli lolli lollipop!_ " Voldemort sang quietly to himself. He was feeling very tired of being a sunflower. He glared menacingly at the bee that dared to shake its arse in his face. Suddenly,  _POOF!_ he became an orchid tree.

"EIYEEE!" The bee squealed, tumbling away in surprise.

"Wonderful," Voldemort groaned.

* * *

 

There was no sound as the cellar door opened, save the howling of the wind outside. A shadow entered, illuminated only by the faint trace of light upon his back. Large, round eyes glowed piercingly in the gloom.

"Where is it, Precious?" a raspy voice hissed. Gollum turned to a canvas cloth draped over a large object. Eagerly creeping forwards, Gollum threw the cloth off of the object. He grinned toothily at the huge nuclear bomb before shoving it in a safe place behind his teeth. His eye twitched in a mixture of ecstasy and discomfort.

* * *

 

Dumbledore panted in exhaustion as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Perhaps bigger  _is_ better, after all," he mumbled tiredly.

* * *

 

While Frodo was out searching for his missing ring, Ron entered his room suspiciously.

"There is something very suspicious going on," he said. His eye twitched in suspicion. "Ah hah!" he plucked a much too long hair from Frodo's bed. "This is Hermione's!

"They never supposed I would suspect, but I became suspicious and suspected the suspicious suspicion of my suspiciously sneaking friends!" Ron exclaimed. He seized the telephone.

"Harry, I have a suspicious suspect for you to inconspicuously dispose of!"

* * *

 

"BWWAAAAAHHH!" Harry cried as he leapt through the Hogwarts window. Hermione looked up calmly from her book.

"As much as you probably feel that I should be terrified of you at this instant, I cannot bring myself to be afraid. You see, Harry, you really should have read  _Hogwarts: A History_. Because of the many protective enchantments all over Hogwarts, you cannot really be here. But then, one must ask oneself, are any of us really here? Or are we all figments of our own imaginings? What if the world is no more than our own elaborate daydreams? In fact, how do you have any idea what I'm saying? What if certain words to me mean different things completely than the same words do to you? Is any of this really happening?"

Harry was taken aback. "I suppose I'd never thought about it…"

He vanished in a puff of logic.

* * *

 

Frodo found a slimy footprint on his doormat.

"Gollum," he hissed. "That sneaky bastard snitched my bling!" He snarled and transformed into a ring wraith.

Leaping onto his black mare, Frodo inhaled deeply before kicking his mount into a canter after the combined stench of Gollum and the ring.

* * *

 

Neville landed his jet and crept into the streets, drawing his lightsabre. He coughed, took a fortifying puff from his inhaler, and called, "Trevor, stay with the jet." He pulled on his hood and strode away. After a moment's pause, Trevor leaped off of the aircraft and hopped quickly after him.

Neville stepped up quickly to the small hut at the end of the road. The door cracked open an inch as he approached.

"What d'you want, bub?" a low voice growled ferally through the crack.

"My master sends a message," Neville's voice trembled nervously.

"You can tell your master that I'm not interested in anything he has to offer," the voice snarled.

"The only thing he offers is your death!" Neville cried valiantly, throwing the door open wide. He swung his lightsaber at the man. Suddenly, a fist flew up to block him. Neville's eye twitched in surprise.

"Adamantium, bub," Wolverine said casually. "Damn useful."

Neville fell to the ground.

There came a loud croak from the ground near Wolverine's feet. "What the…"

A large, brown blob flew into Wolverine's house and began to karate chop his face. Wolverine slashed at the creature blindly and was rewarded when it finally fell to the ground, twitching feebly.

"…a Jedi toad?" he raised an eyebrow in disbelief, kicking the dying toad out the door.

* * *

 

Jack raced down the beach, sniffing deeply with his nose in the air. "Must find… must find…" he whispered obsessively. He pressed his nose to the sand and continued sniffing, running on all fours. Jack's eyes popped open as he encountered a small door at the base of a coconut tree.

With mounting excitement, Jack threw open the door and scrambled into the cramped tree.

"At last! Rum!" he exclaimed, collapsing in satisfaction upon the many dusty bottles.

* * *

 

Ron heard the front door open. "Frodo?"

There was no answer. Ron frowned, starting for the door. "Frodo?" he called louder.

"Hello, love," Hermione's low voice murmured from behind him. Ron felt chills run down his spine. He turned slowly to face his girlfriend. "You tried to kill me," she cooed. Ron's face drained of blood.

"What did you do to Harry?"

Hermione gave a high pitched, psychotic laugh that sent a wave of chills running down Ron's spine.

"That's why I did it, you know," she whispered conspiratorially. Her eyes widened. "That's why I went to Frodo. Never once did you care what happened to me. Never did you put my happiness before your own bodily needs. You always were running off to that Lavender Brown, never caring how I felt about that." Her laugh was icy.

"I did care about you! You  _left_  me!" Ron pleaded.

"And so you tried to kill me?" She pulled out her wand, pointing it between Ron's eyes. "Avada Kedavera!" There was a flash of green light, and Ron collapsed lifelessly to the ground.

Hermione went to Ron's kitchen to make a pot of tea, and then settled down to watch _Oprah_.

* * *

 

" _London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down, my fair lady_ ," Voldemort sang somberly.

"When will this be through? I'm tired of being plants." His leaves twitched in loneliness. With a sudden, loud pop, he transformed into a small boulder.

"Oh, bollocks," Voldemort glared about stonily. "Well isn't this great. This just rocks."

* * *

 

Frodo sniffed the air with a rasping breath. Narrowing his red eyes, he turned his mount North. "I will find the ring," he vowed.

Drawing his machine gun, Frodo twitched his eye in shock. "I'm not Harry," he laughed to himself before throwing away the gun and retrieving his broadsword from his back. "Come to me, my little ring! Come to me… my Precious!"

A large, but unarmed man strode towards Frodo from the shack at the edge of the road. "Hey, bub. What are you doing in these parts?" The stranger's eye twitched dangerously.

"My business is my own," Frodo snarled. His mount snorted and pawed the ground in agreement.

"Not here, it's not." Wolverine crouched. With a _snik-kit_ , blades slid from his fists.

Frodo's eye twitched in fear, and he swung wildly at the taller man, catching him just below the belt. Wolverine looked momentarily concerned, then shrugged. "They'll grow back," he said nonchalantly. With one swipe, he removed Frodo's head from his shoulders.

"This has been one helluva day," Wolverine commented dryly. "I get attacked by a Jedi-wannabe, a Jedi toad, kill an insane trespasser, and get my goods chopped off. At least those'll grow back…" he glanced inside his pants. "Yep, they're back already. Beautiful."

* * *

 

Gollum's breathing was ragged as he heaved himself up the side of the building. Somewhere inside the old castle, a clock chimed twelve times. Noon.

Gollum shrieked as thousands of birds flocked past him, ready to deliver their packages to the many students inside.

Squinting into the sun, Gollum cooed excitedly. "Almost there, precious, we is!" His eye twitched in anticipation as he climbed onward. Soon, he had reached the top of the astronomy tower. With a delighted cackle, Gollum pulled the nuclear bomb out of his mouth.

"We is ready, precious!" Gollum armed the bomb.

* * *

 

Dumbledore frowned in concentration. Mumbling angrily to himself, he paced his office, repeatedly calling " _Engorgio!_ " to his wand. As he repeated this for the tenth time, he began to shriek in distress.

"It simply will not grow!" he cried, waving about his wand. There was a knock on the door and Gandalf entered.

Dumbledore raised his wand at his visitor. "Avada Kedavera!" Light burst from the tip of his wand and Gandalf collapsed bonelessly.

Feeling both relieved and relaxed, Dumbledore tucked away his wand and moved towards Gandalf's fallen body. He picked up the fallen wizard's staff, smiling happily to himself.

"Alas, now I have the larger tool of magic." He ran his hand over the wood, eye twitching at the pleasure such a simple act brought him.

* * *

 

Anakin's eye twitched furiously. "That bastard killed my Padawan!" he fumed. Seizing his lightsaber and leaping into his jet, Anakin proclaimed, "Justice will be mine!"

Wolverine clenched his fists, admiring the bright metal blades springing from his knuckles. His ears pricked at a sound outside, and he rose from his seat, simultaneously drawing the blades from his other hand.

"Christ,  _another_  idiot come to try and kill me?" He shook his head in disbelief. "That's the third one today!"

With no more warning, Anakin barged through the door.

"Alright, bub, show me what you've got," Wolverine snarled. "It better be a helluva lot more that the last bimbos had."

Anakin drew his lightsabre and charged towards Wolverine. Strike after strike, the two circled, neither gaining the upper hand.

Finally, with a loud crack, Wolverine's adamantium claws shattered the sabre, coming to rest inches from Anakin's throat.

"Wait –" Anakin said suddenly. "I can't die, I have to make babies! I have to become Darth Vader! I have to break my wife's heart and cut off my son's hand!"

"Damn," said Wolverine. "And I  _can't_ die… It appears that we have reached an impasse!"

The sat for a moment, pondering the absurdity of their situation, until finally… "I know!" Anakin exclaimed. "We'll have a walk-off! Sexiest man wins."

Wolverine agreed.

The Jedi and the mutant removed their jackets as Wolverine turned on the music. They took turns dancing and strutting their stuff, but could come to no conclusions as to who the winner was. Finally, Wolverine smirked at Anakin.

"I was voted  _People_ Magazine's sexiest man alive!" he declared triumphantly.

Anakin frowned. "Blast." He melted into a deep, red puddle.

* * *

 

" _Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! A pirate's life for me!_ " Jack downed the last of the rum and threw his empty bottle away with the others. He sniffed about and peeked his eyes open.

"What? Why is all the rum gone?"

He spontaneously combusted.

* * *

 

Hermione clicked off the television, muttering angrily to herself.

"Must be insane. No decent men anywhere. Murderers. Liars. Try to kill me…"

"Do or do not," Yoda crooned wisely. "There is no try."

"You're not my mother!" Hermione snapped. "Wait… what?" but it was too late. Yoda's mangled corpse lay on the floor at her feet.

A faint voice drifted in the air about her, "Fear leads to Hate. Hate leads to Suffering."

With a loud popping noise, Hermione became Darth Vader.

"Wait…" Darth Vader tried to reason. "I can't be Vader, I have limbs!"

Darth Vader vanished in a puff of logic.

* * *

 

"Yes, Precious, we will do what you wants!" Gollum's eye twitched with lust at the small ring he cradled in his fist. He glanced at the timer on the bomb next to him. Thirty seconds left.

The happy sounds of young witches and wizards resounded below.

* * *

 

Dumbledore admired his new staff. Such pleasure the larger stick would bring him! And he would never again be bested in duels. Dumbledore stroked his staff and his eye twitched in pleasure.

* * *

 

Gollum shivered in anticipation as he watched the nuclear bomb's timer.

Fifteen seconds left.

* * *

 

Wolverine retrieved a beer from his fridge. He popped it open and reclined in his Lay-Z-Boy armchair.

"Helluva day…" he muttered.

* * *

 

"Precious, we is almost there!" Gollum screamed, his eye twitching in barely contained glee.

Five seconds left. Four seconds. Three. Two. One.

The world shook.

The world groaned.

The world twitched.

The world burned.

The world disappeared.

And there was nothing left.

* * *

 

…Except…

* * *

 

"What the fuck? Where did the fucking ground go? What the fuck just happened? Why the fuck am I floating?" the rock screamed as it floated through space.

"Fucking Gollum gives me this fucking ring and turns me into a fucking rock and fucking destroys the entire fucking planet!"

Voldemort fumed for several more minutes. Then…

"I feel so lonely," he sighed, wishing he had an eye to twitch.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:  
> References to Homo/Transphobia (a character is mentioned as feeling ill at the sight of another male character in a dress)


End file.
